Le sigh. Today is New Years Day 2011. Wow. Where has the time gone? I just turned 28 a few months ago and I have 2 kids and I've been married for over 4 years and my 10 year anniversary of knowing my husband is creeping up. My oldest is 2 years old my youngest will be 1 in 3.5 months my 3 cats are turning 6 and 5 (the 2 oldest are real siblings) and my husband turned 30 a few months ago. Again, wow. Oh yeah, and I have 2 grey hairs that are somewhat hidden under my mop but if it's falling a certain way you can see them. Meh, it's just evidence of all of the life lessons I've learned. And New Years Day couldn't be a better day for reflecting.
I got 2 more tattoos the other day. I have 6 in total now. My left arm bears a giant butterfly with many different designs in it. My left wrist bears roman numerals of my wedding date stamped with a small red heart at the end. My right wrist holds my son's initials and birthdays and my left hand shows off two blue stars representing my two little boys. Why am I mentioning my tattoos in a "reflections" post? For those of you who have no tattoos and are quick to judge, you'd be surprised at the conversations that go on in the parlour. My artist the other day was named Bryan. We were talking about life stuff; what we've learned through our years - him with many more years than myself - and I told him I wish I knew then what I know now. His response? It's all just life lessons.
I've been thinking a LOT about my life lately. Maybe because I have children, maybe because I'm a lot more settled than I ever have been, maybe it's because I'm finally taking charge. I'm sure I'll find out in another 10 years. I think it does have a lot to do with the fact that I have children and I don't want them going through all of the pain that I endured. Sure my life was fun. I had a few good friends, I had good parents, I had clothes and food and a roof. It wasn't that bad in retrospect of the necessities. And I do count friends as a necessity. However, I went through my life with a lot of internal pain and came out just fine. I wish I could have told myself, Abby Verhulp, that everything will be ok.
Life Lesson#1: You are NOT fat
My whole life I was made fun of for being fat. From school mates to family to random strangers and yes, some adults. Thanks for that. This phenomenon hit me the most last year, when my sister and I were looking through old pictures, making a scrapbook for my mother's 50th birthday. I found one picture that made me cry. It was me, as a younger girl, about 9 years old. It was at family camping and it's a family picture with myself, my mom and dad and my sister. I actually look kind of tall in this picture, maybe it's the angle. Anyways I'm wearing a green shirt which was my moms at the time, and jean shorts that go to my knees(ish). This picture took me aback. Ever since I started kindergarten, maybe before, I don't quite remember, I've been made fun of for being fat. This girl in the picture that I was looking at was NOT fat. What on earth would make people ridicule me for such a thing that wasn't even true? In grade 4 I was swinging on a swing at school. It was an old wooden swing and it had rained the previous night. The swing was cracked and not looking so good. I happened to be the one on it, and standing on it too. Us 9 year olds were daring. The swing broke, 1/3 on one side and 2/3 on the other. My pinkie finger got caught in the chain and it hurt so bad when my fall ripped my pinkie from the chain. I recall a teacher putting a cold wet paper towel on it to numb the pain. I was ridiculed so badly. So many people laughed at me and said I broke the swing because I was fat. Then I see a picture of myself, the same year. I am so haunted by this horrible memory, almost like a nightmare, of people circling me and pointing and making fun of me. It didn't happen exactly like that, but there was a lot of pointing and ridiculing. We moved the following year from Ontario to B.C.. Right after that picture was taken. I can honestly say today, yes I am fat. Would I be if I knew the truth so many years ago? I would like to think not. I was told I was fat by everyone. Even my parents. Indirectly, of course, but being told one thing by so many people, including your parents, really makes you believe it. I ate my sorrows away. I want to apologize for not being stick thin like everyone else. Some people are just built differently, and again, I'm sorry that I didn't look like you. Maybe that would've made people like me? I wish I knew then what I know now.
Life Lesson #2: You WILL meet your Prince Charming
Oh my goodness where do I start? This one I can write with a little humor. My whole life I've been boy crazy. Yes, even now, but in a different light. I loved boys, I loved getting their attention (unless it was to call me fat, of course) I loved watching them be boys I loved having little crushes on them hoping that they, just maybe, had a crush on me too. From grade 2 where I was in love with a boy, let's call him S to my wasted 8 years of being madly in love with, well, let's call him V, to when I met my husband, I was insanely in love with being insanely in love. I remember in gr.2 I was in love with S. He was, however, in love with....she can be E. I would write him little love notes and put them in his coat, I would try to skate with him when we went skating in school, I would try to get his attention hoping that he liked me back. He only had eyes for E, to my dismay. Do I care now? No. Did I then? Oh yeah. Wish I could've told little gr.2 Abby Verhulp that fretting about S and the embarassment of pulling his mitten off when we were skating and him falling on the ice is no big deal. He's not your Prince Charming. Now to sum up my wasted 8 years pining over V. I was in gr.5 and new at a school far far away from the aforementioned school in Ontario. He walked in, like a movie, a light behind him making him glow and shine just for him. He was so handsome and perfect and I was in love. I'm sure quite a few of my readers (if they read this) will know who I'm talking about. I was madly in love with him from the moment I met him and tried to skate with him and tried to spend time at swimming with him and tried to spend all my school time minutes with him. He did NOT feel the same, to put it lightly. He had girlfriends through the years and not one of them was me. I had a few moments where I thought he liked me, but I'll never know. He got close to kissing me once. I asked him once if he ever liked me back and he said no. I don't believe him, since I've had that same situation appear in the past with other boys. They say they didn't like me then I find out through other sources that they did but didn't want to admit it because I was fat and they'd be made fun of, so who knows. To complement this, read on. There was a boy named D. I had such a crush on him and he was good friends with my next door neighbour. People at school found out I liked him and would make fun of me because I was fat and stupid and no one would ever have a crush on me. I liked D for a while and then finally got sick of waiting for him to like me back. Some people would tell me that D liked me but nothing ever came from his mouth or actions so I gave up. A few months later my neighbour told me that D liked me but was too afraid to ask me out then found out that I stopped liking him so he gave up too. What a waste of time. However, back to V. I loved him for so many years, even as I switched highschools and saw other boys and grew up. Then, I turned 18. I met Ken and V dissappeared from my heart. Fast forward almost 10 years and I'm still with my actual real Prince Charming. S was not my P.C. and V was not my P.C. and I spent so much time and energy on them, feeling so much pain over the fact that V never loved me and didn't want to love me. I wish I could've not wasted so much energy on them and instead enjoyed the relationship that I had with V for what it was worth. He wasn't ever meant to be my Prince Charming and my trying to force that on him so many times ruined the relationship we could've had. I wish I knew then what I know now.
Life Lesson#3: Everything will be alright
I'm not sure who actually reads my blog. This story may come as shocking. Maybe I can rate it R just as a warning? I think I will save my butt and officially rate this posting R. You have been warned, and if you decide to keep reading it's at your own risk. When I was in gr.8, still in love with V and his glowing light, and trying to make my way in a new world called highschool, I went through a lot of pain. Still reading? Your own risk. Don't forget. Some of my friends from gr.7 had gone on to a new highschool and I was without them, and some new people came along and rocked my world, good and bad. Some of the new people were just more people to make fun of me. School started in September, like it always does. Through the fall months people would get together and party and have fun. I was not one of them. In fact, not only was I not one of them, it was made clear to me that I would never be one of them. I was told, to my face, that I was not allowed to come to these parties and I was not being invited. Oh it gets worse. From the mouths of, well they'll be R and C, "you are not invited because a lot of people don't want you there. They told us they won't come to the party if you are invited." Sure it sounds trivial now, but when you're 12/13 and being told that people don't want you around, it's kind of heart breaking. This happened more than once. On a side note, highschool also brings on a whole new other group of people, people older than you. One girl shot a cap gun right against my temple because I was fat. It gave me a migraine for days. I still remember her name but she'll be J. She did this twice, on different occasions. And highschool is supposed to be fun? I'll continue, for those still reading. It was December 1995. One girl in school was having a Christmas party and I wasn't invited. I was told I wasn't invited, in the same wording that I mentioned before. People didn't want me around. I was so hurt. I went home that evening, the evening of my "non-invite", and hung out in the bathroom. I held a bottle of tylenol in my hand and contemplated taking the entire bottle, hoping that my family wouldn't find me until after it killed me. I didn't want to be saved. I didn't want my stomach pumped. I didn't want to go back to school and be told how much people don't want me around. I wanted it all to be over. I don't know how long I sat there and thought about it but it felt like a long time. I went back to my room, tylenol free, a coward, and cried. And cried. And cried. There's so much more to this story but it continues with my school counsellor finding out, telling my parents, and a really great evening with 3 guys, including V, who invited me to hang out with just them on a fun scavenger hunt. I see kids on the news nowadays killing themselves over similar and different situations, however all with one thing in common. Ridicule and estrangement from your peers. You feel like there is no other way out. Well if people don't want me around, then I might as well not be. Now I'm a married mother of 2 beautiful boys and I get friend requests on facebook from some of the girls that used to bully me in high school. I have the upper hand now. I get to hit ignore with dignity and self-respect. And a little cackle at the knowledge that I have the power to say no to them. No to your behaviour no to your fakeness and just a big old no to you. Everything will be alright and everything is. I wish I knew then what I know now.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
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